U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
