Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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