he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
