there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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