Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
