Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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