Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
