Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
