This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
