I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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