my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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