i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
