Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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