Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
