i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
