What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
