hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
