I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
