I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
