He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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