Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
