So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
