apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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