Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
