So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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