I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
