I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
