We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
