did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it was like eating out sand paper
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
