I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
