I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
