if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
