Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
