i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
