we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Less talking, more tequila
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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