Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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