you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
