i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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