"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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