She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
