and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
