if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
