I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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