i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
