He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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