We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
