i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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