woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
