Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Who died my cat blue again?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
