Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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