You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
